Over-and-through-the-whelm

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Being in a state of overwhelm is one of my least favorite places to be. It’s like a dark cloud overshadowing our true being – the state from which we’re truly meant to live.

I find myself there now as I’m writing this, and it’s as if there’s this big cloud hovering over me. My head feels barely above water, treading for dear life, getting more and more wiped out from the frenzied trying.

My perception of reality is, for the moment, completely warped. What do I know to be true?

1. Being overwhelmed robs me of the present.

I can see this happening, and it is starting to feel like an out of body experience. My mind is pulling me so far forward into the future beyond where I can be effective – now. This is keeping me from enjoying the great mothering and work I’m meant to do – right now. I know this.

2. Feelings want to be felt.

Our four year old will be in Kindergarten next summer, and I love having 2 days/week with just me and him. I feel this pull in me to be in more than one place at a time. I feel inadequate to do all that I need to do around this house, with the kids, and still have the focus I want on my coaching practice. I feel great about the work I’m doing but I want to be doing more of it.

I’ve been ignoring these feelings for a few days, and honestly it just feels good to stop and write about it. To get it out of my head and onto this page. It’s like I’ve been ignoring a child, and going unnoticed, it’s been getting louder and louder. Ok, I’m listening!

3. I always have choices.

“Not enough of me to go around” is just a temporary perspective. One I know I can either wallow in, or change.  I can choose another more empowered state of being.

I want to feel enthusiasm, truth, and beloved joy.

There will always be a thousand tasks, but I can choose what’s most important right now. I can put a few projects on pause. I can get to sleep earlier, too.

4. One next, right thing at a time.

What’s the next, right thing to do? Go for a walk and mother myself….

Reflecting on this week, I notice how I held the space for others with compassion and patience, but have not been giving much to myself. I forgive the expectations I placed on myself this week. I forgive myself for disappointing my child and myself. I forgive myself for drowning myself in tasks and guilt. I forgive myself for having attack thoughts and speaking harshly to myself. I forgive myself for focusing on a perceived lack of progress and forgetting to honor where I am, and more essentially who I am, now. I’m grateful I’ve come back around to this issue on the spiral staircase again so I can build stronger muscles around it this time.

So. What’s the next, right thing to do? Organize my office

A little better.

What’s the next, right thing to do? Take the kids up to the library and alternate between inhaling the scent of books and their hair while they take turns reading in my lap

A little better.

horizon-768759_1280What’s the next, right thing to do? Revisit my list of projects, see what I can trim

A little better.

What’s the next, right thing to do? Look truthfully at my schedule, put more soul in it. 

The clouds are lifting.

What’s the next, right thing to do? Go for a solo bike ride at dusk

A lot better.

What’s the next, right thing to do? Plan what to pack for NYC

Enthusiasm and beloved joy there, just under the surface now.

5. We shrink before we expand.

Through any big changes or spiritual growth, our false self/negative ego freaks out. The inner critics got really loud, but this experience was not wasted on me. I can now integrate all this loving and learning and let it take up more space in my heart. ♥

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