We dropped our oldest “baby” off at Kindergarten today. As I did a last check of her backpack and school supplies last night, my husband asked whether I was at all nervous. I recognized that surprisingly I wasn’t; I always thought that I would be. A year or two ago in fact, I would’ve been a basket case twirling my hair, pacing tracks into the carpet and peeling off all my nails. I would have been rolling through all the what-if scenarios in my mind. I would’ve worked myself into a ball of worry and would have lied restless in bed all night long. What if she is bullied? What if she falls off the jungle gym? What if she wanders off with a stranger?
Oddly, I actually slept fine last night, as if it was no different than any other night.
I met some other parents this morning as the school hosted a Tears and Cheers reception after we dropped our respective “babies” off at their classes. We shared stories, and some laughter. When one woman learned that I was a “Kinder-mom” she said, “Wow. How are you so calm right now?”
Last week as I was introducing myself to her teacher, I found myself describing all my daughter’s dominant personality traits. “She likes trying new things and will probably volunteer for everything,” I said. “She likes to perform. And she might need reminders to raise her hand.” Her teacher responded with “She will be fine.”
The thing is, I know my daughter will be fine. I realize now that I had more-or-less been concerned for the teacher. 🙂
I hoped and prayed when I was pregnant with her, that she would be sure of herself. Well, she has that in spades. She knows who she is, un-apologetically. She tells me often that her heart is the boss of her. Not in a sassy way – more as a matter of fact. As someone who had to do a lot of work to relearn how to tap into my inner wisdom, of course I love this.
My daughter asks questions that sometimes seem to me to be from completely out of left field. She wants to be a singer, and let everyone at Meet the Teacher know by belting out an impromptu rendition of the ABC song. She loves learning. In fact, she gets bored with routine because she constantly wants to be challenged. She is so ready to begin this new part of her journey, and seeing that allowed me to simply be ready with her.
I want to support her in keeping in touch with her heart while teaching her how life works. Even though it may get more challenging for me to communicate at times, I want to help her hold on to that part of her that knows what is right and good for her highest and best self. It will take a lot of ego-checking and letting go of my urge to control the outcome or way of doing something, so I write this blog as much to memorialize my intention as to share.
So my “big” Kindergarten girl, I know you aren’t reading this but perhaps one day you will. I want you to know that your mama is proud of your strength of character and happy heart. You have taught me to be fearless. You have taught me to look at things with curious eyes. You have taught me to love myself. You have taught me that I will be fine.